Each one of us is either an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert. Some of us know for sure what we are; but some of us are still not sure where we fit. And its actually not important to be sure, as long as you are happy with who you are. But there are people who want to change themselves to be more outgoing, or be selective and secretive, or just shut off everything outside and get some peace once in a while. Nothing wrong in that.

The thought of writing about this came to me because people usually tell me that being an introvert or ambivert is sometimes difficult. Extroverts, as you could imagine, have no complaints. I’m an ambivert, as certified by some of my friends. And I don’t find it difficult, or uneasy to be an ambivert, its actually nice to be an ambivert. More on that later.

I decided to talk to some of my friends about this again and gain more perspective. My friend Ridhi identifies herself as an introvert; and she has this to say:

Being an introvert hurts sometimes as people may shout at you and because of being an introvert you can’t shout back.
People take advantage of this.
Otherwise I feel it’s great to be an introvert.
As you can stay home on weekends and enjoy reading a book over a cup of coffee 🙂

I agree with her on the last sentence, it really does feel great to stay back home on weekends and read a book. And I agree with her on the rest of it as well. Because introverts are soft spoken and keep to themselves, people tend to take them for granted, and end up taking advantage of this.

As Criss Jami writes in his book, Venus In Arms,

In an extroverted society, the difference between an introvert and an extrovert is that an introvert is often unconsciously deemed guilty until proven innocent.

And Susan Cain writes:

Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe

But it turns out, introverts are usually strong. Dau Voire has said,

I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity.

Drew Barrymore puts it more clearly:

There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I’ve got to see my friends because I’m too content by myself.

I can relate to all of these. And I’m pretty sure if you meet me tomorrow and ask me to talk about stuff, about myself even, I wouldn’t be able to utter this much. The reason? John Green gives it precisely:

Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t want to make eye contact while doing it.

That doesn’t mean I don’t make eye contact. I do, even when I’m talking to strangers. But as some people like to put it, “textbook introverts” or socially awkward people might find it easier to hold a conversation without making eye contact. Its off-putting, and I know that.

And I can’t forget this famous quote:

Quiet people have the loudest minds. — Stephen Hawking

When I meet new people, I come out as an introvert to them. That’s because I am shy, and I like to listen more than to talk. Listening to people is sometimes entertaining, and sometimes informative, especially when they are not from my profession or geographical region. There’s lot of knowledge around you if you know where and how to look for it. I find it in listening to people. I’m not sure how much I’ve learned from it, however, I do enjoy it.

But once I get a little comfortable with people, I start opening up, and pitching in thoughts and opinions into the conversation if I know anything about it. Or I end up asking questions.

When I got the idea of writing about this, I approached a few people close to me and discussed about it. After understanding what each one of them had to say, I realized that you can’t label a person as being of one type or the other. Being an introvert or an extrovert or even an abmivert doesn’t essentially mean your personality is like that. As I have now understood, its more of a behavioral trait than a personality trait. Extroverts sometimes do show signs of introverts, and its equally true the other way around as well. I guess it basically boils to having the much required “me space” every now and then. In that case, can we say that introverts and ambiverts prefer to have more “me time” than extroverts, or that they find the “me time” more rewarding than others. I guess even this would be very wrong.

Your behavior doesn’t only affect or have an impact on your personal life, but also your professional life. Another friend of mine, Bhagirath, who considers himself to be an ambivert, tells me how the behavior helps him in being a professional:

I can definitely relate to that. When you join a new startup, because there are comparatively fewer people than an MNC, you usually get introduced to everyone, thanks to the HR. But for me, I don’t usually remember the names of the people I just shook hands with, or feel to urge to get inside their bubble and try to know them better. I’m usually more interested to know what I’m going to be working on, or what new discoveries I’ll be making.

Slowly, as the days go by, I eventually get to know the people I’m working with. Also people from other departments as the tech guys usually get requirements from the other departments. This happened at my current job as well. Even though I can’t say I know everyone at the 100+ people strong startup that I work at, I’m acquaintances with most of them. When I do get invited for lunch or for coffee, I do tag along. This is not because saying no would be rude, or because the “me time” at my desk would be better; but because I do like to know and read people before I open up to them. It doesn’t matter if they judge you, even though it could have an effect on your professional growth sometimes. But more importantly, at least for me, it is the trust factor. Am I asking for too much? Maybe a topic for another discussion.

When I initially show the signs of being an introvert, I do get judged. People think I’m rude. In some cases it might be true. But most often than not, I’ll be figuring out how and where I fit in, its as simple as that to me.

Having the traits of an ambivert could sometimes make you socially awkward as well. This could be on the professional side of life or the personal. But I’ve seen this closely with one of my friends. He is confused, period. This guy, Bharath, writes:

I am an ambivert, which means I am a combination of an introvert and an extrovert. It could be quite confusing as to how I could be both. Well, being an ambivert makes me socially awkward. In a group of unknown people, I just don’t feel like talking. Why? I sometimes don’t know myself. But things do change rapidly. Once I get comfortable with the people around me, I am probably the most loudest person in the group. Come to think of it, I do sometimes feel confused about my behavioral trait.

Even though he believes himself to be an ambivert, I do see him as an extrovert sometimes. It doesn’t take him long to start animatedly talking to people he just met, just a couple of minutes and he’ll be talking about everything under the Sun non-stop. Find nothing interesting to talk? Don’t worry, he’s good with bad jokes as well. But ask him to go talk to that cute girl at the bar counter, or that dude smoking his lungs dry by the shop, the introvert in him starts piloting the ship.

So its actually very difficult to classify people based on this. The more you think about it, the more you realize that its not a personality, its behavior. Or is it? I guess you’ll find enough people to debate that out from both sides.

Then there are those personality tests. A few people who study this at a university or do a diploma course are usually more than eager to classify your personality into one of the types mentioned in their textbooks. I get it. Its scientific and all that. But the questionnaire you provide isn’t ideal for the conclusions you come to. For example, one of the questions these people ask me is, would you rather go to a party or read a book? Well, that depends. That depends on various factors. What day is it? What party is it? What book is it? What time is it? How tired am I? Its completely contextual. Give me a situation and I’ll be able to answer that better. Makes sense?

There have been a lot of studies, researches, tests on this. This has been happening for a long time, and at least once in every generation lately. The results are not consistent, rather, are not the same contextually. Some say that you are either an extrovert or an introvert, can’t be a combination. Some say the majority of the human population is ambivert with varying degree of introversion and extroversion. Some say that we are all ambiverts. (These are not conclusions from any one or two tests, just a generalization.) For example, Carl G Jung has said:

There is no such thing as a pure introvert or extrovert. Such a person would be in the lunatic asylum.

Would you disagree? Tell me why or why not in the comments.